I was a cage to you..

This is what i'm discovering about myself... 

I'm terrible at a million things. 

I'm good at a few of things.  

I'm passionate about too many things. 

And when it all gets boiled down, none of it even matters. 

Up until about a few days ago, I was just convinced that life was about being completely happy. 

I figured that if I wasn't happy with one area of my life, anything that could be changed, SHOULD BE.  

I thought that everything in my life was somehow connected... like a body. 

When I was younger I would go see this chiropractor for my sports injuries. 

He was a "special" kind of doctor.. he worked with the energy that the body gives off. 

He would make weird signs with his hands over the injury to see what signals it was giving off. Basically my strained hip was telling my doctor the pain it was feeling and why it wasn't getting better. 

Apparently I hurt my hip by straining my ankle. All the parts of a body are connected, and pain in your foot can cause problems in your back.. Who knew? 

This is basically how I viewed my entire world. 

I've never been completely content with my life.. 

I've always liked change. I've always looked for ways to make things more enjoyable... If not for the reality, then for the idea of how good things could be. 

I'm not sure if i'll ever learn how to just LIVE. 

How to just be still, and enjoy what life is like at that very moment. 

If i'm not waiting for the next season, i'm living in the last one. 

I'm optimistic, for sure, but i'm never where I should be I guess...?

I don't know... i'm stumbling around in my thoughts right now..

I don't take things for granted, though. 

AND.. I know that there is hope for me...

However, I need to find out how to BE BETTER. 

I always pity those people who sabotage their happiness.. the ones who find ways to ruin everything good in their lives. 

I don't know why they do it, but they do. 

And maybe it's a disorder.. and maybe I have it. 

I take everything good in my life, and all the things that make sense - and I kill them. 

Sometimes it subtle, sometimes it's abrupt. 

But it's becoming more and more obvious that I subconsciously keep myself unhappy.  

Holy GOD. 

I've discovered the equation. 

Me + my unhappiness with myself + my fear of something or someone failing to keep me happy = self destruction. 

Well great.. pretty sure that means that i'm a selfish, self-conscious, untrustworthy, flake. 

PERFECT. 

But hey, i'm only 21, it's okay for me to have immature, illegitimate fears that cause me to ruin my own life and the lives of those around me.  

WHY NOT? 

Why THE FUCK not.

And something else i've learned about myself...

i'm almost always too late to go back and fix things. 

Good thing i'm so thrilled by change.

So maybe this is my future.. this is how i'll be until the day I die.

Always moving, always changing, always living for yesterday or tomorrow..

Or maybe i'll grow the fuck up and treat special things the way they should be treated. 

Maybe i'll take a chance on something that is actually a big deal instead of pretending to take risks. 

Maybe i'll learn to let myself enjoy the good things that I have, instead of worrying about the possibility of them letting me down one day. 

Maybe..

Just wish I had started realizing all of this sooner. 

But fall is here, and it's always been descent to me..

Fingers crossed.

On a positive note, I realize more and more how absolutely wonderful my friends are. 

And somehow, I haven't managed to destroy that good part of my life yet.. 

I knew it.

There's hope for me. 

Love, 

LoLo