Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I'm still a work in progress..

I need to stop digging myself into holes.. 

THIS SONG:
"Berlin Wall" by Emily Knurr


Today was blah.
One of those blah days..
HOWEVER,
Andy said i'd need to talk to him more if we ever want to get married.
SO..
I'll get on that. 
Because God knows who else would ever marry me. 

Also,
 I found out what it's like to not be able to breathe. 
Pretty sure I got hit in the stomach so hard by a soccer ball today that I fell down gasping for air.
Everyone crowded around me yelling at me to do stuff and I was just like...
"I cannot hear you, I am dying."
But my coach saved the day.. he knew this trick from back in his soccer days. 
He ran over and lifted my hips off of the ground and all of a sudden...
AIR, PRECIOUS, SWEET AIR came rushing into my lungs.
That was scary, and painful.
But we live and we learn am I right? 
I'm right. 

Last night Maggie's IDIOT skater-boy friends came over after I went to sleep.
They were loud, drunk, high, ANNOYING, and rude. 
They unlocked my door and tried to wake me up.
They turned my light on, came and sat on my bed, and tried pulling my pillow and covers off.
I WAS ABOUT TO BEAT DOWN SOME PUNK ASSES. 
I kept my cool though.. but I'm still pretty freaking pissed. 
And as far as i'm concerned those boys can go kill themselves. 

I'm behind in school again..
SURPRISE SURPRISE. 
Whateverrrrrrr
I'm SO FREAKING ready for soccer AND school to be over. 
HOLY COW. 

Okay yeah that's all I got...
I should probably shower and clean my room and work on some homework so that I don't flunk out of school AGAIN and end up on the streets. 
MMMMKKKKKAAAAAYYYYYY bye. 

LoLo


Monday, October 24, 2011

Yeah, I slip..


THIS IS TODAY'S SONG:

"Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire

SOMETIMES, people say things they don't mean.
Sometimes, people say what they mean, but shouldn't have said it.

That's what yesterday was. 
OH WELL. 

Today has been chill.. THANK GOD. 
I slept in for once in my life..
Then Maggie and I got dressed, smoked some cigs, drank some coffee, ate some cereal, then went shopping for Halloween costumes. 

I'm going to be Sandy from Grease.. found some KILLER pants for my costume today at A.T.C.

I didn't go to Web Design because I've already finished my midterm project. 
YUS..
I didn't go to soccer practice because I didn't feel like it. 
I'll go to drawing tonight though because I don't want to be a COMPLETE bum today. 
Ya dig?
Ya dig. 

Angela and Maggie and Maddy do an excellent job of reminding me how much better I am, than to lie around all day being depressed. 
Which I don't do as often as I think I do.

They tell me how awesome I am, and how I'll meet the love of my life and he'll be ten times the man I could even dream of.
THAT'S WONDERFUL TO THINK ABOUT. 

I think once I've paid my rent and all of my bills at the end of the month, I'm going to go on a tasty little shopping spree and get myself some new clothes. 
Get my nails done.
Get some new makeup.
Ya know.. the works. 
NICE. 

LoLo



Sunday, October 23, 2011

Vent, baby, vent..

FUCK NATE KAYLOR. 

FUCK BOYS. 
FUCK BAND BOYS.
FUCK TEENAGE BOYS.
FUCK MONICA.
FUCK HOME WRECKERS. 
FUCK HO BAGS. 
FUCK WEED SMOKERS. 
FUCK RELATIONSHIPS. 
FUCK DATING YOUNGER GUYS.
FUCK PAIN. 
FUCK REOCCURRING NIGHTMARES.
FUCK EX-BOYFRIENDS. 
FUCK YOU. 
FUCK MEMORIES. 
FUCK SCHOOL. 
FUCK LAWRENCE.
FUCK KU.
FUCK BEAR RINGS. 
FUCK ANNIVERSARIES. 
FUCK MERCEDES z80s or whatever the fuck he drove.
FUCK OMAHA.
FUCK LAKE OF THE OZARKS.
FUCK WOLF, THE RABBIT.
FUCK ALI AND MARTIN AND JONAH AND MADDIE.
FUCK ALL THE OTHER FREAKS THAT LIVED IN THAT PLACE.
FUCK BREAKING UP.
FUCK MARRIAGE. 
FUCK PLANS.
FUCK DATES.
FUCK LOVE.
FUCK ME. 
FUCK SADNESS. 
FUCK MISSING SOMEONE. 
FUCK FEELING EMPTY. 
FUCK BEING ALONE.
FUCK BEING SINGLE.
FUCK MISTAKES. 
FUCK BAD CHOICES. 
FUCK IT ALL. 
FUCK. 

On a more positive note, my friends are still as awesome as ever. 
I'll have no trouble paying my bills like I thought I might. 
We might win regionals. 
School is going pretty well, considering..
Even though it's always 30 degrees colder in my house than it is outside, i'm still managing to stay warm at night, WITHOUT someone to hold me close and keep me warm. 
FUCK THAT SHIT. 

Yeah sooooo... that's about that. 
I'm ready for a break. 
I gotta get away.
Re-find myself. 
Get a breath of fresh air. 
Take a vacation.
Go on a trip.
JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM REALITY.
GET AWAY FROM CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME UPSET.

Everything is going to be alright.. but for now i'm ready to just rip someone's head off. 
FUCK PEOPLE. 
FUCK BEING HAPPY. 

LoLo



Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Yo, i'll solve it..

Holy effing Moly.. 
IT'S FREAKING COLD IN MY HOUSE. 

And considering the fact that my lovely roommates and myself are poor, we refuse to turn on the heat. 
SO...
We're just going to endure it..
I'm literally lying in bed wearing two pairs of socks, pants, a t-shirt, a sweater, MY WINTER COAT, and a scarf.. ha, good Lord.
Greeeeeeat stories to tell the grandchildren someday. 
WOO. 

I felt SO MUCH weight lifted off of my shoulders today,
Web Design = CAUGHT UP, MUTHA SUCKAS!
Special thanks to Andrew Nadleman.. pretty sure he is a LIFE SAVOR (not the candy).

And... drumroll... I DID IT. 
I freaking deleted my facebook..
And you know what? 

IT. FEELS. AWESOME.

And it's not like this is the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 7th, 13th time i've deleted it or anything... BUT, this time it's different. 
Like I have absolutely NO desire to get on, get it back, see what people are doing/saying.. 
MAN OH MAN I LOVE IT. 
#proud

I keep having stupid days. 
Stupid as in sad..
It's getting pretty old.
I'm not necessarily lonely, but I do feel like something's missing.
And I hate that feeling. 
I'm not empty... i'm just... cold? 
hmmmm.... yeah, that word will do for now. 

any who.. i'm freaking tired and I have to be at work in 6 hours so i'm gonna peace out.. 
However, i'm going to fall asleep to my German lessons that I downloaded yesterday.
Things are looking ethnic :)

LoLo



Friday, October 14, 2011

And I know, what an embarrassing way to go..



So... ONWARD. 

I'm coming to the point where I hate Facebook so much, i'm almost being an idiot for stressing about it all the time. 
I'm pretty convinced that Facebook ruins lives.. i've always thought it, but now i'm sure of it. 
I find myself CONSTANTLY freaking stalking people that I should be erasing out of my life. 

So, i've changed up my page a little bit. 
Made it more personal. 
Made it way less public.
Working on making it fun without being stressful.
And working on ONLY using it the right ways...

Sounds so stupid to be making Facebook such a big deal, but it has just become this HUGE thorn in my side... that needs to be dealt with. 
I'll update on that later, because i'm at the point where i'm not sure what I should do.
I'll keep thinking about it.. living/learning. 

Soccer should be over soon.. a month at the most. 
I've been out for a week though because of my Grandma's funeral. 
GOOD GOD THAT WHOLE ORDEAL WAS HORRIFIC.

However, I think i'm going to write a book about my life.
Well, at least my life these past few months..
I've been feeling artsy lately, and with all the quietness I dealt with these past couple days, I've had a lot of time to think/dream about something i'd like to write about.
I mean I do that all the time, but this time I actually felt out a whole story... that was a nice change.
Gave me some encouragement.. comfort.  

I've been practicing my "sketching".. i'm pretty terrible. 
BUT ONE DAY I SHALL BE GOOD. 

I've been working a lot.. getting behind in school a lot.. listening to new music a lot.. watching One Tree Hill a lot.. smoking a lot :/ 

Living in my own house has been awesome though :)
I still think it was the right choice so far.. hopefully I won't be proven wrong.

The coffee shop smells like tomatoes right now.

OMG OMG OMG.
Gabe, Nathan, and Mattias are coming into town tonight. 
Thank the good Lord above. 
This is going to be amazing.
Can't remember the last time us four hung out.
Party tomorrow night.

SO EXCITED. 

Love, 
LoLo

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Get a grip, son..

OH, HOW THE DAYS HAVE COME AND GONE.

I am just convinced that I will never be good at staying committed to updating myself on my own life.. seems silly, but it's a lot harder than I would think. Ha.

However, I enjoy looking back at the few posts i've written so far. 

Here's the thing though..

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED!

I freaking moved out with two of my best friends. 
I'm finally catching up with school.
I've been scoring goals, and we've been winning games.
I got a minuscule tattoo on my ankle, and i'm proud of it.. 
I'm working seven days a week at this freaking coffee shop to pay all of my bills.
I tried everclear for the first time.. yeah. 
I'm finally starting to get over the love of my life... slowly. 
I think about my sweet boy a little less every day, so I hurt a little less every day.
...which helps relieve my 23753969 other stresses.
For a while there I was feeling empty, lonely, worthless, and ugly.
THAT WAS A GOOD TIME.
I'm never dating someone younger than me AGAIN. 
My hair is no longer partially red. 
I took my tragus piercing out. 
SHOCKER. 
Andyroo moved to Germany. 
When he comes back i'm going to marry him if i'm not already married to Ryan Gosling.
I'm putting blue in my hair. 
Maddy has been visiting me every day at work. I am IN LOVE with her. 
Angela and Nate are probably going to get married, and i'm finally okay with that. 
Maggie is adorable, and gross, and messy, and silly, and wonderful. 
I started One Tree Hill season 1.. gonna have a marathon from seasons1-7.
I like my room.. it's not plain enough for my taste yet though. It'll get there. 
Uncle Jeff the landlord is so cool, but he probably hates me.. oh well. 
My Grandma Jackie passed away last night..
Thinking about how she could possibly be in hell made me sick to my stomach, the room started spinning. 
And currently... i'm alright, for the most part. 
I'm not super happy, i'm not super sad.. as John the homeless guy says, "I'm maintaing". 
I'm just existing. Floating. Breathing. Surviving. Waiting... I suppose.
I've been discovering new music though, and that always makes life better. 
And I'm finding out more and more what makes a great friend a great friend. 

So I mean, life is never going to be 100% perfect, but right now is just a middle ground. 
I'm ready to not feel lonely anymore though.. 
I think once I start learning how to be okay by myself, everything else will just start falling into place. 
I just go so used to being with someone who treated me as though I were the most important person in the world, and now i'm not really anyone's top priority..
Not the funnest adjustment i've ever had to make. 

I'm just thankful for my family, friends, house, soccer team, and moderately helpful teachers.

And i'm trusting Jesus, as always, to make everything work together for my good. 
He always takes care of me.. 
So now i'm looking forward, but making the most of right now. 

I'm so brilliant ;)

Love, 
LoLo






Monday, September 19, 2011

NERVOUS.

I've never been so overwhelmed by happiness and sadness before in my life. 

I'm finally doing it. 
I'm moving out of my parents' house in less than two weeks. 

I mean i've done this before but it was wayyyyyy different. 

This time i'm supporting myself completely. 
I'm so freaking scared. 

I'm scared of not being able to pay my bills. 
I'm scared of being too stressed to do well in school. 
I'm scared of missing my family, especially my mom and my baby sis. 
I'm terrified of being so... ALONE? 

HOWEVER.
I'm so ridiculously pumped to live with my best friends. 
I'm so excited to be independent. 
I'm excited to take a new step into adulthood. 
I'm excited about the amazing memories that will be made this next year...
I'm just happy :)

Hopefully my roommates and myself don't end up hating each other. 
But I doubt that'll happen. 
That only happens when one or all of the people are selfish bastards, which I have seen happen first hand. 

And an EXTREME plus is that we all wear the same size clothes and shoes. 
We all have great style. 
We all like to party. 
We all like good music. 
Aaaaaand we're all just quality, caring people. 

SO... this should be interesting. 
And wonderful
and amazing
beautiful
scary
hard
tiring
fun
educational...

and the best year of my life. 
(So far)

Love,
LoLo